Burning Imprints Chapters 12-14
May. 16th, 2004 05:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
menomegirlAdding some more this afternoon.
Burning Imprints~
Chapter 12
Blood Play
Angel rolled onto his side, turning Lindsey so they faced each other. He was smiling, because....damn, Lindsey was grinning. His eyes were all lit up, he was relaxed, and Angel had never seen him that way before. Couldn’t believe the man was looking at him like that. And it was something Angel realized he wanted to see for the rest of his life. I made Lindsey happy. I put that look in his eyes. It was me....me, me, me.
He’s smiling. I made Angel smile. His stomach felt funny, his heart felt like it was melting, a part of him felt like he was dying, but Lindsey couldn’t help it. Angel smiling was the best damn thing he’d ever seen. Okay, okay. I’ll admit it to myself. I’m completely hopeless when it comes to Angel. I’m...in...love...with...Angel. There. I thought it. Yeah, I am. I really am. See? That wasn’t hard. Then he did the only thing he could think of....cause he wasn’t gonna say that. No way. Nuh uh. So Lindsey kissed Angel, and he put everything he felt into it.
Angel knew this kiss held something different, but he didn’t want to put too much hope into it. After all, Lindsey had let him down before. But he went with it, returning the kiss with everything he had. God, I just.....I have to talk him into going home with me. I can’t leave him here. I can’t leave him. I need him too much. His thoughts went blank when the man in his arms started kissing his face, tugging at his ear with his teeth, then Lindsey softly sighed, Angel into his ear and first kissed, then licked the wound at Angel’s neck.
A wave of desire shot through him, and although Lindsey seemed none too concerned about Angelus, Angel certainly was. He’d nearly lost it just a few minutes ago, Lindsey had pulled him back from the edge, but....Oh, fuck...Lindsey was sucking on his neck again, reopening the wound he had made earlier. Oh, fuck me! He’s drawing blood! Lindsey was rocking his body against Angel’s and Holy shit! roaming his hands over Angel’s body.
Yes, Lindsey, that’s right. Take me, taste me. Oh my god.Angel used one hand to press Lindsey’s body harder against him, while the other touched his head, urging the other man on. He’s hard again. What’s Lindsey been doing to his body the last two years? Angel’s mind went blank once more at the realization he’d found someone who liked to play at it as hard as he did.
What he did next was without thought or planning, but it wasn’t Angelus who did it. It was Angel. He sank his fangs into Lindsey. The young man he held in his arms moaned in ecstasy, which took them both into orgasm, and shocked both into reality again. They broke apart and looked at each other.
Lindsey went very pale and slapped a hand over his mouth. Oh my God! I just...I just fed from him! Know I’m twisted but, man.....that’s sick! His eyebrows rose almost into his hairline. I was rubbing against him like a bitch in heat while I did it!
Angel could almost SEE the thoughts scream across his face. It was too much, he couldn’t stop the laughter from erupting.
Then the eyebrows went back down as Lindsey frowned at Angel’s laughter. That’s not funny. Why the fuck is he laughing?And then the eyebrows rose again as he thought Oh god....the fucking bastard bit me! And....and I came when he did it! Lindsey was so freaked out, he tried to move away, but Angel caught him.
"Lindsey, no. It’s alright, it’s okay," Angel said as he pulled the young man back into his embrace. "Shh, calm down, you’re not going to die. You aren’t going to turn, I promise. Look, I’m sorry I laughed, but you should’ve seen your face."
"That wasn’t very fucking funny, Angel. My God, why didn’t you stop me?"
"I couldn’t, Lindsey. I got too caught up in what you were doing. Damn, that was hot. What made you do that?"
Had a moment of clarity......then lost my fucking mind. But no way I’m telling you that. “I was just....I don’t know. Following an instinct? But.....why did you bite me? What the hell was that, huh?"
"Well, hell, Lindsey....who bit who first?"
"I did, but....It seemed like you were fighting for control and....my God, Angel. You didn’t want to kill me, did you?"
Angel tilted Lindsey’s face up to his. "No, Lindsey. It was only the demon wanting what just happened between us, that’s all."
"And what did just happen?"
"A vampire sex thing. I just marked you, that’s all. You’ll have a small scar, Lindsey. But I didn’t claim you." Angel caressed Lindsey’s face, and bent his head to gently kiss him.
"What’s the difference?" Lindsey whispered.
"A claiming is forever, Lindsey. It binds the soul of the human to the vampire. I’ve never done it before."
"Oh," Lindsey said. He made that half snort/half laugh sound. "Well, can’t have you doing that. Already turned into a blood sucking bitch in heat. Don’t really want to know what claiming me would do."
Angel was partly amused and partly wanting to beg the man he was holding to let it happen. "Lindsey, it’s not just a matter of me claiming you. It’s a consensual thing. It can’t happen unless you agree. It would mean that you would be bound to me for eternity…… Do you think it’s something you might want?”
Bound for eternity? Shit, I think that happened in a courtroom in LA. Lindsey thought.And what would you say if I told the truth and said yes? But he wasn’t up to that conversation just yet, so he told Angel, “I don’t think I’m ready for that right now. Maybe later."
Angel smiled and kissed him lightly. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t say no. The words Maybe later reverberating in his mind, Angel said, "What are you ready for?"
Forever. Tomorrow. The rest of my life. As long as you’re part of it. Lindsey closed his eyes. He couldn’t say that. It was too soon."Sleep sounds good. Are you going to stay?"
Angel glanced around the room, at the heavy draperies that would prevent any sunlight from entering. He looked back down at his lover. "It’s been awhile since I woke up in someone’s arms, Lindsey. I’d like that, if you don’t mind."
Lindsey smiled, and moved to put the lube on the night stand. Then he reached into the drawer and removed a small box of personal cleaning wipes. When Angel saw what he held, he plucked them out of Lindsey’s hands and said, "Let me. I want to see what damage I caused you." Lindsey blushed again. Damn, is he always like that? He knew protesting was useless, so he tried to relax while Angel got personal with his body. Guess so. Damn, hasn’t Angel got any sense of personal privacy? Ouch. Guess not. Wait.....does he think I’m his now? Damn, he said that, didn’t he?
Angel knew Lindsey was embarrassed, but he wanted to see what he’d done that first time. There was small damage, but nothing major. A little bruising. Lindsey was going to be sore later. He heard Lindsey wince, so he distracted him with a question. "Why did you have lube in the night stand, any way?"
Lindsey’s blush deepened, and he couldn’t think. "I was...uh....using it to....uh...."
Angel chuckled. "Jerk off?"
"Yeah," Lindsey softly said.
"It turns me on when you blush like that, Lindsey. I know you’re doing it because of me. Oh, by the way, I don’t think you’re a bitch in heat."
"What am I then, Angel?," Lindsey replied. He sighed in relief as Angel stopped his ministrations, then took care of himself, and put the wipes back in the night stand. He pulled back the covers and slid under them. Angel got behind him, pulling Lindsey’s back against him so they lay spooned together. Lindsey felt safe and content, something he couldn’t recall ever being before.
Angel softly said, "You’re a very sensual man with strong appetites, Lindsey. You’ve driven your body to the point where you could finally accept what’s between us. You’ve come out to play, but you’re still a little unsure, a little wary of me. You’re being cautious, but with the straightforwardness I’ve always admired you for. You fascinate me, and you know what? I like you, Lindsey McDonald."
"Thank you," Lindsey whispered, closing his eyes, a smile on his face. Angel understood.
Angel held Lindsey and listened to his breathing slow as he drifted into sleep. Shortly before he did, Lindsey softly said, "I like being in your arms, Angel."
Angel softly whispered into his ear, "I like holding you, Lindsey." He smiled as the young man sighed and relaxed into sleep. He lay there a long time listening to him breathe. Listening to Lindsey’s heart beat.
Wondering about the tattoo, and hating the fact that there was a part of Lindsey he couldn’t touch, couldn’t make his. Angel softly ran his hand over the outside of Lindsey’s left arm. Tight muscles under smooth skin. Lindsey sighed in his sleep. His body seemed to burrow deeper into Angel’s. Angel smiled and gently rubbed his nose into Lindsey’s hair, inhaling the scent of it. Lindsey made a soft noise in the back of his throat, and whispered “Angel” His body temperature rose slightly. But his breathing was still shallow, so Angel knew he was still sleeping. “Touch me,” Lindsey murmured.
Angel was touched to know the sort of dreams Lindsey had been having. Sounded a lot nicer than his had been. He smiled and rubbed his cheek against Lindsey’s hair. “Not....made of glass...hurt me....just a little.....oh yes.....”
Oh, man. Lindsey had told the truth about the pain. His scent changed into that ardent arousal that came with pain/pleasure. Angel was immensely gratified to realize he held in his arms everything he’d always wanted. “Take me, Angel. Make me yours. Please....yes, Angel....please.” Then Lindsey bared his throat in a way Angel knew meant he was offering his blood in the dream. “Do it, Angel.....please. I want it. I want you to.”
Holy hell. Lindsey must be nearing the end of the dream. If he blushed over telling Angel what he used for self-gratification, he was going to be totally mortified if he climaxed in his sleep while Angel held him. So, the vampire did the only thing he could think of. He bent his head to the place on Lindsey’s neck where his mark was and gently sucked on it.
And it worked. Lindsey went still again, but he didn’t wake up. Lindsey’s voice was now laced with emotion as he said softly in his sleep what he couldn’t bring himself to while conscious, "Can’t run away from fate....can’t stop wanting you.......can’t forget you.....forgive me, Angel.....love you... think I always did......can’t stop it....can’t have a normal life....never......cause of the firm....Darla, please, no....I’m sorry...sorry....so sorry......" Then Lindsey went quiet in Angel’s arms, deeply asleep now, leaving one very elated and confused vampire wide awake.
Burning Imprints~Chapter 13
Bared Souls
Lindsey slowly awakened, at first his mind was fuzzy, sleepy, but then he became aware of several things. First, he was a little chilly. Second, he wasn’t alone in his bed, something he had always been since he’d moved into this house. Third, the reason he was chilly was because the other person sharing his bed was Angel. Fourth, he had dreamed about the vampire again, but this time, he hadn’t awoken sticky, feeling nasty and disgusted with his lack of control over his body while sleeping. Fifth, Angel had taken him the way Lindsey had pretty much expected him to. Sixth, he was sore in new places.
Last, and oh my God, not least, Angel had made love to him. It had been the most intense experience of Lindsey’s life. Giving himself over to Angel, letting his inhibitions go, just trusting the vampire, even the blood play Lindsey himself had initiated.....it was everything Lindsey had wanted when he’d called Angel. He had wanted to feel. Well, waking up in the arms of the vampire had him feeling a lot of things. The most important feeling of all was......he felt whole, for the first time in his life.
He was in love with Angel. That said it all. Their lives were somehow connected, he wasn’t sure how or why, but Wolfram & Hart, fate and destiny aside, even if Angel never returned his affections......Lindsey belonged with the vampire.
He was startled out of his thoughts when Angel placed a kiss on his shoulder. Lindsey smiled and turned around to face the vampire. Angel caressed the side of the young man’s face and asked, "Regrets?"
Lindsey softly said, "No, Angel. No regrets."
"You dreamed about me, Lindsey," Angel said. "I know you told me that when you called, but.... Lindsey, you dreamed I was making love to you. You whispered things to me in your sleep.....things that made me want so much."
Lindsey was shocked. He’d talked in his sleep? Oh, God. And, Angel looked like he wanted things. He just wasn’t sure he was going to like what those things were. The vampire looked really serious. Damn, just what had he blurted out in his sleep, anyhow? "What did I say? And what do you want?"
Angel grinned. "Well, you wanted me to touch you. You wanted me to take you. And you wanted me to hurt you....just so, by the smell of your arousal. If you want, I can do all those things. We can play as hard as you want. But the last thing you did, Lindsey.....it shocked me. I couldn’t believe it. You bared your throat for me. Do you dream that every time?"
"Yes, I do," Lindsey whispered. "I know how twisted that makes me, Angel."
Angel chuckled. "Well, yes, you are....but only someone twisted would get involved with me, in the first place. So, I’m thinking that’s kind of a non-issue here. See, the thing is, only two humans have ever done that for me before. Both times it was to save my life. And that’s not what you were doing. You were doing it because you wanted me that way, too. We made love, and you took it that way. You never even stopped to think about it. You did it out of some instinct, and when Lindsey McDonald does something like that without thinking, not just once, but twice, there’s a problem."
Lindsey said, "I fail to see the problem, unless your blood is gonna harm me."
Angel said in exasperation, "That’s the problem!!!!! You’re not seeing Angelus at all. You only see me. And that’s bad, because he wants you as much or more than I do. Lindsey......I hate to ask, after the progress we’ve made, but I have to. I’m sorry, I really am." Then Angel stopped talking, and pulled Lindsey into his arms, kissing him hard, desperate now....because he didn’t want to ask.
Of course, being only human, Lindsey shortly needed to breathe. He struggled until Angel let him go. While catching his breath, they just looked at each other. The vampire’s nose twitched, and he growled softly. Lindsey raised an eyebrow, grinned wickedly at Angel for a few seconds, but then he got serious again. "Only one reason I can think of for what you just did. You want to know if I’m playing some kind of mind game with you, trying to make you go all dark again. Isn’t that right?" Angel shook his head yes, but he was stroking Lindsey’s back, trying to make up for his doubts.
Lindsey touched Angel’s face, lightly caressing it. "Angel, there’s nothing else you could possibly think. Why would you? Trust is something I’m going to have to earn from you. You can’t blindly give it to me, not after all I’ve done to you. I understand, and I’m not angry. And I’ll answer your question flat-out. I’m not playing any mind game here, I’m through with that. When I said I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life, I meant just that. And the reason I don’t see the problem is because I believe the whole Angel/Angelus thing is just one big mind-fuck."
Angel’s hand stilled. "What?"
"You heard me. When I look at you, Angel....I see you. Not just a part of you, the part with the soul, but all of you. I see the good as well as the evil, and I can’t separate it, because we’re alike, you and I. You know, the world isn’t only white or black. There are a few shades of gray in the spectrum and I think that's where we belong, Angel," Lindsey said.
"Lindsey, that way of thinking is going to get you hurt. Believe me, I know."
"I’m not afraid of you, Angel," Lindsey softly said, inching forward a little, until his mouth hovered just shy of touching the vampire’s. "I never was. I want you, all of you."
"Lindsey, do you know what you’re playing at?"
"Hmm," Lindsey hummed, then gently kissed Angel, coaxing his mouth open, warming it with his own, tempting him into play, caressing Angel’s tongue, his teeth, making love with his mouth, while his hands touched the vampire’s body. He softly kissed his way to Angel’s ear, and he whispered, "I want to warm your body with mine, Angel. I want to touch you, taste you, hold you, so close you can feel my heart beat, as if it were your own. I want you to let your need for control go, let it go and let me love you. I need to be inside of you, like you were inside of me. Let me, Angel. I want you so."
The words let me love you echoing in his mind, Angel was rendered speechless. The sound of Lindsey’s voice had always done things to him. But the words he’d just whispered into Angel’s ear sent a wave of heat coursing through the vampire’s body, straight to his groin, into his brain, where the words let me love you screamed for an answer. Lindsey’s hands caressing, seducing, arousing him, gentle and so soothing, yet firm and knowing.....Damn, he’s good. But I can’t let go, Angelus would come out....and I won’t let him hurt Lindsey. But, God, I want this. I want him.
"Lindsey, wait. Stop a minute, please," Angel raggedly said.
"I don’t wanna stop. I want to make love to you, until you can’t think of anything.......anything except me. I want to make you to feel the way I do, when you touch me. I need you to feel that hot, sweet hunger your body feels when you surrender yourself. I want so much for you to know what I felt like, when you made love to me. God, I just want to be inside of you, the way you’re inside of me....in your mind, in your blood, in your heart. Body and soul, Angel."
Angel looked at him, saw the open honesty in his face, and was stunned at the emotion he could see blazing in Lindsey’s eyes. Now, instead of let me love you, the words body and soul became Angel’s entire focus.
Does Lindsey really love me or is he just feeling so much desire it only sounds like it? Am I reading more into this than there is? If he really wants this, he’s going to have to let me bind our souls in a claiming. It’s the only way to keep him safe from Angelus. And why do I get the impression Lindsey thinks his soul is bound to mine already? "Lindsey, I need you to calm down, and listen to me, alright?"
"I don’t want to calm down, I want to make love to you. Don’t you want me to?"
"Yes, Lindsey, I do. Very much so, but I.....there are some questions I need answered first. It’s really important, okay?"
Lindsey softly growled. He closed his eyes, laid his head back on the pillow, and sighed.How important can it be??? I came as close to saying "I love you" as I could, and you wanna talk? But he couldn’t say that, because he didn’t think Angel would believe it.
Yet, Lindsey was so frustrated, he just had to say something. “Christ on a crutch, my body’s on fire, I want you so bad I hurt, and you wanna TALK? I’m so worked up over you, I can’t fucking see straight any more, and you wanna TALK?” Lindsey sarcastically said, and sighed again, willing his body to relax, trying to find some semblance of control.
Angel just smiled.
"Fine, Angel," he said. "Ask me what you want, but hurry the hell up, please. You’re fucking killing me here. You know that, right?"
Angel chuckled. Lindsey glared at him. "It’s not funny, Angel."
"Yeah, it is. You’re so cute when you have a Lindsey fit."
His eyebrows raised in surprise on hearing that phrase, Lindsey said, "A Lindsey fit? What the hell do you mean, a Lindsey fit?"
"You know, when you get so mad, your accent comes out, you can hardly form a complete sentence, you say really immature things, and you’re so turned on, you can’t think. It’s just so damned cute."
Lindsey snorted. "I’m glad you find me so fucking funny."
"Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you don’t know how cute you are when you do that."
"I am not!"
"You are, too."
"I am not cute!"
"Yes, you are. It’s all I can do not to kiss you silly when you get all huffy."
Lindsey growled at Angel again. "Just ask your questions already, okay?"
Angel said, "Did you really love Darla?"
Lindsey felt like Angel had just thrown ice cold water over his entire body.
Burning Imprints~ Chapter 14
Memories
Lindsey closed his eyes against the images flooding his mind. Her blonde hair, those brown eyes, that softly seductive, so deceiving voice. He felt sick, the way he always did when the images of her managed to surface. He’d always been able to ruthlessly suppress them, back deep into his mind. Just pretend it never happened, it was some dream, it didn’t matter. It had always been so damn easy to do that for him, to feel nothing, no remorse, no guilt....it was what had allowed him to do all he had.
It wasn’t happening this time.
Angel was alarmed at the emotions flickering across Lindsey’s face. He wished he’d kept his mouth shut about Darla. He thought he was seeing revulsion in the expression on his face. He thought he saw repulsion there, as well. Lindsey was fighting to reassert the blank expression he had mastered, but for some reason, it looked like he couldn’t. Angel was at a loss as to whether that was a good thing or not, in this situation. I’m sorry. I take it back. Just please...please, don’t regret all that’s been between us. Not now.
Lindsey quietly said, "I talked about her in my sleep?"
"Yes," Angel softly said.
"What did I say?" Lindsey whispered.
"You kept saying you were sorry."
Lindsey flinched. He opened his eyes, looked at Angel, and he tried desperately to quell the emotions welling up in him, the memories punching their way into his conscious mind. But it all came fourth, he’d opened his heart to Angel, and there was no turning back. The past crowded into his mind, he saw it all with perfect recall, and it ate at him like acid, it burned into him like a brand, it was in surround sound and his own words came back to haunt him.
I don’t want her to die, any more than you do.
I’d save her, if I could. You can, and you won’t.
How did you think this would end?
The truth Lindsey had so long denied to himself washed over him, and his stomach revolted. He ran to the bathroom and was violently ill. He vaguely registered the sounds of Angel moving around in the bedroom. He flushed the toilet, and moved to the sink, rinsing his mouth out, brushing his teeth, and then he looked at himself in the mirror a long time.
A soft knock on the door, and Angel’s voice saying, "Are you okay in there?" brought him back to the present.
"Yeah," Lindsey replied. "Be out in a minute."Okay? Haven’t been okay in a long time. Don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. He looked at his reflection one more time, then put on the robe that was hanging on the door. He never felt like sex less in his whole life. Apparently neither did Angel, who had redressed in his pants, and put his shirt back on, although he hadn’t buttoned it. Lindsey knew he was probably confused about what he’d done.How can I explain the way I feel? God, how can Angel even look at me, after what I’ve done? Why didn’t he kill me....I don’t deserve to live.
"Feel better now?" Angel softly said.
"Not really, no." Lindsey grimaced. "I’m sorry about that, Angel. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but my being sick, it had nothing to do with what’s happened here. It’s not about that at all."
Nearly shaking in relief, Angel said, "What made you sick, then....if it wasn’t me?"
"I do, Angel. I make myself sick." Lindsey sighed and said, "You know, I finally understand why she broke the mirrors. I never did before now, you know. But.....I know why now. It’s an awful thing to look at your own reflection....to look at yourself, and know you’re looking at a murderer."
Angel said, "I understand.....but, Lindsey-"
"You asked me if I loved her," Lindsey interrupted. "Well, the answer is, yes, I did. I loved her. I loved everything about her and how can you even look at me, knowing what I did? You tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. You tried to tell me what she truly was, but I was so blind with desire for her, I didn’t care. Because I saw things in her that you never did, Angel. I saw what she could’ve been, I suppose. Maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to, though. Maybe....maybe I thought, if I could save her, I could save myself."
Angel could relate to that. He smiled. "I know what you mean, Lindsey."
Lindsey said, "You know, most of my life, I haven’t felt anything real. I’ve gone through life with this emptiness inside, and it was killing me. But there was something about her that gave me hope." He raised his face to look right into Angel’s eyes, so the vampire would know that Lindsey realized the enormity of what he’d done. "And I was so desperate not to lose that feeling, not to lose her, that I killed what I loved in order for her to continue to exist. I know Wolfram & Hart maneuvered me into doing it, and I know Holland Manners was the mastermind behind the whole thing. But that doesn’t matter. Neither does the fact that I didn’t do it with my own hands."
Angel softly said, "Because you had a moment of choice. But, Lindsey, they would’ve done it anyway. There truly was nothing you could have done to save Darla."
"Don’t you see? It’s not just Darla herself. I’m responsible for everyone she killed, because I set the evil free.....I let it loose. And I didn’t turn away from her, Angel. I helped her, while you were trying to stop her. I was so lost, even when she taunted me, made fun of my love for her, I still helped her. I hid her from the firm, from you.......God, I was such a love sick fool, and she used me. And used me. And used me. And I let her do it."
"Why did you do that? I always wondered," Angel asked.
"Because I thought.....I thought, if only she would love me, it wouldn’t matter...it wouldn’t matter that you didn’t. It wouldn’t matter to me if you hated me. I thought.....if I could only make her love me, I’d forget I’d ever even wanted you. But Darla......she only wanted you. She only thought about you. She even laughed at me, Angel. That knowledge twisted me up inside. It finally killed what little hope I had left. And, God help me, I think part of the reason I did it......was to spite you."
Feeling a little hurt, even though he’d suspected that all along, Angel said, "Why?"
"You said I wasn’t capable of love. And you said neither were you. That moment......I think I came close to hating you in that moment. I was so angry and hurt that some of what happened after you left my apartment, I still don’t remember. But I’ll always remember what happened at the motel. The look of fear on her face.....I put it there. I killed her, Angel......I killed Darla." It was at this point Lindsey broke completely. In tears, desperate to stop the pain, he couldn’t stop the words from rushing out. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry......I’m so sorry. My heart hurts, Angel. I can’t stand it. It hurts, I hurt, I feel like I’m dying inside, help me, please."
Angel enfolded Lindsey within his embrace and just held him while the young man cried his bitter tears. His heart hurt, because there wasn’t much else he could do to help him. He thought on all Lindsey had said, and he realized that he’d failed the young man in a way he hadn’t even thought of before. Lindsey had been around 24 years old when they’d met. He hadn’t been with Wolfram & Hart long, 6 months at most. He must’ve worked that brain of his like mad to get where he’d been. No mean feat, that....and all Angel had seen was that cold, hard blankness that he instantly came to loath.
But underneath that, Lindsey had just been a young man.....coming from this part of the country.....it was no wonder he’d freaked out when he’d realized the attraction between them was sexual in nature. Coming on top of all he’d learned upon employment at Wolfram & Hart, about demons, vampires, things of that persuasion....it was no wonder at all. Angel suddenly questioned what he’d have done, if he’d found out he was bisexual when he’d been mortal. Of course, back then, that wasn’t even a word.
And let’s face it, I wasn’t exactly what you’d call moral and upstanding, was I? I wasn’t much older than Lindsey was, the night Darla took me. Drunk and going to steal my father’s silver. If I’d met a man then that I was attracted to....I may have been quite upset at first. But then I’d have been as perverse about it as possible, just to do it.....to piss my father off.
Lindsey had the reality of not only adjusting to bisexuality, but adjusting to the fact that he was attracted to a vampire. And, from his own words, not only that, but was actually turned on by the demon itself. Aroused by rough hands on his body. Desire heightened by the thought of fangs in his neck during the sex act itself. None of which was the middle-American idea of normal. Even though the last half-century had seen a radical change in disposition towards alternate lifestyles, necrophilia was not an acceptable thing, even in enlightened places, such as LA. It must have been the shock of a lifetime when the truth had dawned on Lindsey.
He must have seen Darla as some sort of lifeline to the normality he’d unknowingly craved, because he was so busy denying to himself the truth of what he was.I’ve been wrong in blaming him for that. If only I’d tried a little harder to understand.... And as frail and vulnerable as Darla had appeared while human....it was inevitable Lindsey would fall for her. She must have appealed to every instinct instilled in Lindsey, Southern-born and bred. It couldn’t have happened any other way.
That bastard Holland Manners had pushed and maneuvered Lindsey every step of the way. Had he known that Lindsey was one of those humans that attract vampires like a magnet? Was that the reason he’d put the young lawyer, whose true talent to Wolfram & Hart should have been in the courtroom, in charge of a project to turn me to the darkness? Is that the reason Lindsey had been given the care of Darla, who had kept coming back to him, even though she hadn’t wanted him? They’d even had him dealing with Drusilla. In the long run, just how much of what had happened was truly Lindsey’s own initiative?
Angel shook off these thoughts when he became aware the young man in his arms was quiet now, and Lindsey was holding onto him as if to draw strength from his body. Angel said, "Feel better now?"
Lindsey softly said, "Not really. I feel sort of drained. Kind of empty."
Angel tilted Lindsey’s face so he could look down into it. "I can help you, Lindsey, but I can’t take away your guilt or your pain. You’ll have to work on that yourself. All I can do is be there for you, to hold you like I am now, to stand beside you and support you if I can. And I can’t condemn you for what happened, how could I? I’ve done worse than you ever will."
Lindsey looked into Angel’s eyes, and was never more grateful for anything in his life as he was to see the understanding residing in those brown eyes. The relief he felt nearly drove him to his knees. Angel felt the tension leave Lindsey’s body and tightened his hold on him, then he led him to sit on the side of the bed.
Angel knelt in front of the young man, and said, "I believe you were saying you wanted to make love to me. Something about me letting control go. Well, I’ve decided it’s not about control. It’s about discovery. About exploration. About awareness. I want to see your face while you do all those things. I want to you to know how I feel when I’m inside you. I want to feel your skin sliding slick against mine when you’re inside me, and I want you to know my body the way I’ve known yours. Do you still want that, Lindsey?"
Burning Imprints~
Chapter 12
Blood Play
Angel rolled onto his side, turning Lindsey so they faced each other. He was smiling, because....damn, Lindsey was grinning. His eyes were all lit up, he was relaxed, and Angel had never seen him that way before. Couldn’t believe the man was looking at him like that. And it was something Angel realized he wanted to see for the rest of his life. I made Lindsey happy. I put that look in his eyes. It was me....me, me, me.
He’s smiling. I made Angel smile. His stomach felt funny, his heart felt like it was melting, a part of him felt like he was dying, but Lindsey couldn’t help it. Angel smiling was the best damn thing he’d ever seen. Okay, okay. I’ll admit it to myself. I’m completely hopeless when it comes to Angel. I’m...in...love...with...Angel. There. I thought it. Yeah, I am. I really am. See? That wasn’t hard. Then he did the only thing he could think of....cause he wasn’t gonna say that. No way. Nuh uh. So Lindsey kissed Angel, and he put everything he felt into it.
Angel knew this kiss held something different, but he didn’t want to put too much hope into it. After all, Lindsey had let him down before. But he went with it, returning the kiss with everything he had. God, I just.....I have to talk him into going home with me. I can’t leave him here. I can’t leave him. I need him too much. His thoughts went blank when the man in his arms started kissing his face, tugging at his ear with his teeth, then Lindsey softly sighed, Angel into his ear and first kissed, then licked the wound at Angel’s neck.
A wave of desire shot through him, and although Lindsey seemed none too concerned about Angelus, Angel certainly was. He’d nearly lost it just a few minutes ago, Lindsey had pulled him back from the edge, but....Oh, fuck...Lindsey was sucking on his neck again, reopening the wound he had made earlier. Oh, fuck me! He’s drawing blood! Lindsey was rocking his body against Angel’s and Holy shit! roaming his hands over Angel’s body.
Yes, Lindsey, that’s right. Take me, taste me. Oh my god.Angel used one hand to press Lindsey’s body harder against him, while the other touched his head, urging the other man on. He’s hard again. What’s Lindsey been doing to his body the last two years? Angel’s mind went blank once more at the realization he’d found someone who liked to play at it as hard as he did.
What he did next was without thought or planning, but it wasn’t Angelus who did it. It was Angel. He sank his fangs into Lindsey. The young man he held in his arms moaned in ecstasy, which took them both into orgasm, and shocked both into reality again. They broke apart and looked at each other.
Lindsey went very pale and slapped a hand over his mouth. Oh my God! I just...I just fed from him! Know I’m twisted but, man.....that’s sick! His eyebrows rose almost into his hairline. I was rubbing against him like a bitch in heat while I did it!
Angel could almost SEE the thoughts scream across his face. It was too much, he couldn’t stop the laughter from erupting.
Then the eyebrows went back down as Lindsey frowned at Angel’s laughter. That’s not funny. Why the fuck is he laughing?And then the eyebrows rose again as he thought Oh god....the fucking bastard bit me! And....and I came when he did it! Lindsey was so freaked out, he tried to move away, but Angel caught him.
"Lindsey, no. It’s alright, it’s okay," Angel said as he pulled the young man back into his embrace. "Shh, calm down, you’re not going to die. You aren’t going to turn, I promise. Look, I’m sorry I laughed, but you should’ve seen your face."
"That wasn’t very fucking funny, Angel. My God, why didn’t you stop me?"
"I couldn’t, Lindsey. I got too caught up in what you were doing. Damn, that was hot. What made you do that?"
Had a moment of clarity......then lost my fucking mind. But no way I’m telling you that. “I was just....I don’t know. Following an instinct? But.....why did you bite me? What the hell was that, huh?"
"Well, hell, Lindsey....who bit who first?"
"I did, but....It seemed like you were fighting for control and....my God, Angel. You didn’t want to kill me, did you?"
Angel tilted Lindsey’s face up to his. "No, Lindsey. It was only the demon wanting what just happened between us, that’s all."
"And what did just happen?"
"A vampire sex thing. I just marked you, that’s all. You’ll have a small scar, Lindsey. But I didn’t claim you." Angel caressed Lindsey’s face, and bent his head to gently kiss him.
"What’s the difference?" Lindsey whispered.
"A claiming is forever, Lindsey. It binds the soul of the human to the vampire. I’ve never done it before."
"Oh," Lindsey said. He made that half snort/half laugh sound. "Well, can’t have you doing that. Already turned into a blood sucking bitch in heat. Don’t really want to know what claiming me would do."
Angel was partly amused and partly wanting to beg the man he was holding to let it happen. "Lindsey, it’s not just a matter of me claiming you. It’s a consensual thing. It can’t happen unless you agree. It would mean that you would be bound to me for eternity…… Do you think it’s something you might want?”
Bound for eternity? Shit, I think that happened in a courtroom in LA. Lindsey thought.And what would you say if I told the truth and said yes? But he wasn’t up to that conversation just yet, so he told Angel, “I don’t think I’m ready for that right now. Maybe later."
Angel smiled and kissed him lightly. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t say no. The words Maybe later reverberating in his mind, Angel said, "What are you ready for?"
Forever. Tomorrow. The rest of my life. As long as you’re part of it. Lindsey closed his eyes. He couldn’t say that. It was too soon."Sleep sounds good. Are you going to stay?"
Angel glanced around the room, at the heavy draperies that would prevent any sunlight from entering. He looked back down at his lover. "It’s been awhile since I woke up in someone’s arms, Lindsey. I’d like that, if you don’t mind."
Lindsey smiled, and moved to put the lube on the night stand. Then he reached into the drawer and removed a small box of personal cleaning wipes. When Angel saw what he held, he plucked them out of Lindsey’s hands and said, "Let me. I want to see what damage I caused you." Lindsey blushed again. Damn, is he always like that? He knew protesting was useless, so he tried to relax while Angel got personal with his body. Guess so. Damn, hasn’t Angel got any sense of personal privacy? Ouch. Guess not. Wait.....does he think I’m his now? Damn, he said that, didn’t he?
Angel knew Lindsey was embarrassed, but he wanted to see what he’d done that first time. There was small damage, but nothing major. A little bruising. Lindsey was going to be sore later. He heard Lindsey wince, so he distracted him with a question. "Why did you have lube in the night stand, any way?"
Lindsey’s blush deepened, and he couldn’t think. "I was...uh....using it to....uh...."
Angel chuckled. "Jerk off?"
"Yeah," Lindsey softly said.
"It turns me on when you blush like that, Lindsey. I know you’re doing it because of me. Oh, by the way, I don’t think you’re a bitch in heat."
"What am I then, Angel?," Lindsey replied. He sighed in relief as Angel stopped his ministrations, then took care of himself, and put the wipes back in the night stand. He pulled back the covers and slid under them. Angel got behind him, pulling Lindsey’s back against him so they lay spooned together. Lindsey felt safe and content, something he couldn’t recall ever being before.
Angel softly said, "You’re a very sensual man with strong appetites, Lindsey. You’ve driven your body to the point where you could finally accept what’s between us. You’ve come out to play, but you’re still a little unsure, a little wary of me. You’re being cautious, but with the straightforwardness I’ve always admired you for. You fascinate me, and you know what? I like you, Lindsey McDonald."
"Thank you," Lindsey whispered, closing his eyes, a smile on his face. Angel understood.
Angel held Lindsey and listened to his breathing slow as he drifted into sleep. Shortly before he did, Lindsey softly said, "I like being in your arms, Angel."
Angel softly whispered into his ear, "I like holding you, Lindsey." He smiled as the young man sighed and relaxed into sleep. He lay there a long time listening to him breathe. Listening to Lindsey’s heart beat.
Wondering about the tattoo, and hating the fact that there was a part of Lindsey he couldn’t touch, couldn’t make his. Angel softly ran his hand over the outside of Lindsey’s left arm. Tight muscles under smooth skin. Lindsey sighed in his sleep. His body seemed to burrow deeper into Angel’s. Angel smiled and gently rubbed his nose into Lindsey’s hair, inhaling the scent of it. Lindsey made a soft noise in the back of his throat, and whispered “Angel” His body temperature rose slightly. But his breathing was still shallow, so Angel knew he was still sleeping. “Touch me,” Lindsey murmured.
Angel was touched to know the sort of dreams Lindsey had been having. Sounded a lot nicer than his had been. He smiled and rubbed his cheek against Lindsey’s hair. “Not....made of glass...hurt me....just a little.....oh yes.....”
Oh, man. Lindsey had told the truth about the pain. His scent changed into that ardent arousal that came with pain/pleasure. Angel was immensely gratified to realize he held in his arms everything he’d always wanted. “Take me, Angel. Make me yours. Please....yes, Angel....please.” Then Lindsey bared his throat in a way Angel knew meant he was offering his blood in the dream. “Do it, Angel.....please. I want it. I want you to.”
Holy hell. Lindsey must be nearing the end of the dream. If he blushed over telling Angel what he used for self-gratification, he was going to be totally mortified if he climaxed in his sleep while Angel held him. So, the vampire did the only thing he could think of. He bent his head to the place on Lindsey’s neck where his mark was and gently sucked on it.
And it worked. Lindsey went still again, but he didn’t wake up. Lindsey’s voice was now laced with emotion as he said softly in his sleep what he couldn’t bring himself to while conscious, "Can’t run away from fate....can’t stop wanting you.......can’t forget you.....forgive me, Angel.....love you... think I always did......can’t stop it....can’t have a normal life....never......cause of the firm....Darla, please, no....I’m sorry...sorry....so sorry......" Then Lindsey went quiet in Angel’s arms, deeply asleep now, leaving one very elated and confused vampire wide awake.
Burning Imprints~Chapter 13
Bared Souls
Lindsey slowly awakened, at first his mind was fuzzy, sleepy, but then he became aware of several things. First, he was a little chilly. Second, he wasn’t alone in his bed, something he had always been since he’d moved into this house. Third, the reason he was chilly was because the other person sharing his bed was Angel. Fourth, he had dreamed about the vampire again, but this time, he hadn’t awoken sticky, feeling nasty and disgusted with his lack of control over his body while sleeping. Fifth, Angel had taken him the way Lindsey had pretty much expected him to. Sixth, he was sore in new places.
Last, and oh my God, not least, Angel had made love to him. It had been the most intense experience of Lindsey’s life. Giving himself over to Angel, letting his inhibitions go, just trusting the vampire, even the blood play Lindsey himself had initiated.....it was everything Lindsey had wanted when he’d called Angel. He had wanted to feel. Well, waking up in the arms of the vampire had him feeling a lot of things. The most important feeling of all was......he felt whole, for the first time in his life.
He was in love with Angel. That said it all. Their lives were somehow connected, he wasn’t sure how or why, but Wolfram & Hart, fate and destiny aside, even if Angel never returned his affections......Lindsey belonged with the vampire.
He was startled out of his thoughts when Angel placed a kiss on his shoulder. Lindsey smiled and turned around to face the vampire. Angel caressed the side of the young man’s face and asked, "Regrets?"
Lindsey softly said, "No, Angel. No regrets."
"You dreamed about me, Lindsey," Angel said. "I know you told me that when you called, but.... Lindsey, you dreamed I was making love to you. You whispered things to me in your sleep.....things that made me want so much."
Lindsey was shocked. He’d talked in his sleep? Oh, God. And, Angel looked like he wanted things. He just wasn’t sure he was going to like what those things were. The vampire looked really serious. Damn, just what had he blurted out in his sleep, anyhow? "What did I say? And what do you want?"
Angel grinned. "Well, you wanted me to touch you. You wanted me to take you. And you wanted me to hurt you....just so, by the smell of your arousal. If you want, I can do all those things. We can play as hard as you want. But the last thing you did, Lindsey.....it shocked me. I couldn’t believe it. You bared your throat for me. Do you dream that every time?"
"Yes, I do," Lindsey whispered. "I know how twisted that makes me, Angel."
Angel chuckled. "Well, yes, you are....but only someone twisted would get involved with me, in the first place. So, I’m thinking that’s kind of a non-issue here. See, the thing is, only two humans have ever done that for me before. Both times it was to save my life. And that’s not what you were doing. You were doing it because you wanted me that way, too. We made love, and you took it that way. You never even stopped to think about it. You did it out of some instinct, and when Lindsey McDonald does something like that without thinking, not just once, but twice, there’s a problem."
Lindsey said, "I fail to see the problem, unless your blood is gonna harm me."
Angel said in exasperation, "That’s the problem!!!!! You’re not seeing Angelus at all. You only see me. And that’s bad, because he wants you as much or more than I do. Lindsey......I hate to ask, after the progress we’ve made, but I have to. I’m sorry, I really am." Then Angel stopped talking, and pulled Lindsey into his arms, kissing him hard, desperate now....because he didn’t want to ask.
Of course, being only human, Lindsey shortly needed to breathe. He struggled until Angel let him go. While catching his breath, they just looked at each other. The vampire’s nose twitched, and he growled softly. Lindsey raised an eyebrow, grinned wickedly at Angel for a few seconds, but then he got serious again. "Only one reason I can think of for what you just did. You want to know if I’m playing some kind of mind game with you, trying to make you go all dark again. Isn’t that right?" Angel shook his head yes, but he was stroking Lindsey’s back, trying to make up for his doubts.
Lindsey touched Angel’s face, lightly caressing it. "Angel, there’s nothing else you could possibly think. Why would you? Trust is something I’m going to have to earn from you. You can’t blindly give it to me, not after all I’ve done to you. I understand, and I’m not angry. And I’ll answer your question flat-out. I’m not playing any mind game here, I’m through with that. When I said I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life, I meant just that. And the reason I don’t see the problem is because I believe the whole Angel/Angelus thing is just one big mind-fuck."
Angel’s hand stilled. "What?"
"You heard me. When I look at you, Angel....I see you. Not just a part of you, the part with the soul, but all of you. I see the good as well as the evil, and I can’t separate it, because we’re alike, you and I. You know, the world isn’t only white or black. There are a few shades of gray in the spectrum and I think that's where we belong, Angel," Lindsey said.
"Lindsey, that way of thinking is going to get you hurt. Believe me, I know."
"I’m not afraid of you, Angel," Lindsey softly said, inching forward a little, until his mouth hovered just shy of touching the vampire’s. "I never was. I want you, all of you."
"Lindsey, do you know what you’re playing at?"
"Hmm," Lindsey hummed, then gently kissed Angel, coaxing his mouth open, warming it with his own, tempting him into play, caressing Angel’s tongue, his teeth, making love with his mouth, while his hands touched the vampire’s body. He softly kissed his way to Angel’s ear, and he whispered, "I want to warm your body with mine, Angel. I want to touch you, taste you, hold you, so close you can feel my heart beat, as if it were your own. I want you to let your need for control go, let it go and let me love you. I need to be inside of you, like you were inside of me. Let me, Angel. I want you so."
The words let me love you echoing in his mind, Angel was rendered speechless. The sound of Lindsey’s voice had always done things to him. But the words he’d just whispered into Angel’s ear sent a wave of heat coursing through the vampire’s body, straight to his groin, into his brain, where the words let me love you screamed for an answer. Lindsey’s hands caressing, seducing, arousing him, gentle and so soothing, yet firm and knowing.....Damn, he’s good. But I can’t let go, Angelus would come out....and I won’t let him hurt Lindsey. But, God, I want this. I want him.
"Lindsey, wait. Stop a minute, please," Angel raggedly said.
"I don’t wanna stop. I want to make love to you, until you can’t think of anything.......anything except me. I want to make you to feel the way I do, when you touch me. I need you to feel that hot, sweet hunger your body feels when you surrender yourself. I want so much for you to know what I felt like, when you made love to me. God, I just want to be inside of you, the way you’re inside of me....in your mind, in your blood, in your heart. Body and soul, Angel."
Angel looked at him, saw the open honesty in his face, and was stunned at the emotion he could see blazing in Lindsey’s eyes. Now, instead of let me love you, the words body and soul became Angel’s entire focus.
Does Lindsey really love me or is he just feeling so much desire it only sounds like it? Am I reading more into this than there is? If he really wants this, he’s going to have to let me bind our souls in a claiming. It’s the only way to keep him safe from Angelus. And why do I get the impression Lindsey thinks his soul is bound to mine already? "Lindsey, I need you to calm down, and listen to me, alright?"
"I don’t want to calm down, I want to make love to you. Don’t you want me to?"
"Yes, Lindsey, I do. Very much so, but I.....there are some questions I need answered first. It’s really important, okay?"
Lindsey softly growled. He closed his eyes, laid his head back on the pillow, and sighed.How important can it be??? I came as close to saying "I love you" as I could, and you wanna talk? But he couldn’t say that, because he didn’t think Angel would believe it.
Yet, Lindsey was so frustrated, he just had to say something. “Christ on a crutch, my body’s on fire, I want you so bad I hurt, and you wanna TALK? I’m so worked up over you, I can’t fucking see straight any more, and you wanna TALK?” Lindsey sarcastically said, and sighed again, willing his body to relax, trying to find some semblance of control.
Angel just smiled.
"Fine, Angel," he said. "Ask me what you want, but hurry the hell up, please. You’re fucking killing me here. You know that, right?"
Angel chuckled. Lindsey glared at him. "It’s not funny, Angel."
"Yeah, it is. You’re so cute when you have a Lindsey fit."
His eyebrows raised in surprise on hearing that phrase, Lindsey said, "A Lindsey fit? What the hell do you mean, a Lindsey fit?"
"You know, when you get so mad, your accent comes out, you can hardly form a complete sentence, you say really immature things, and you’re so turned on, you can’t think. It’s just so damned cute."
Lindsey snorted. "I’m glad you find me so fucking funny."
"Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you don’t know how cute you are when you do that."
"I am not!"
"You are, too."
"I am not cute!"
"Yes, you are. It’s all I can do not to kiss you silly when you get all huffy."
Lindsey growled at Angel again. "Just ask your questions already, okay?"
Angel said, "Did you really love Darla?"
Lindsey felt like Angel had just thrown ice cold water over his entire body.
Burning Imprints~ Chapter 14
Memories
Lindsey closed his eyes against the images flooding his mind. Her blonde hair, those brown eyes, that softly seductive, so deceiving voice. He felt sick, the way he always did when the images of her managed to surface. He’d always been able to ruthlessly suppress them, back deep into his mind. Just pretend it never happened, it was some dream, it didn’t matter. It had always been so damn easy to do that for him, to feel nothing, no remorse, no guilt....it was what had allowed him to do all he had.
It wasn’t happening this time.
Angel was alarmed at the emotions flickering across Lindsey’s face. He wished he’d kept his mouth shut about Darla. He thought he was seeing revulsion in the expression on his face. He thought he saw repulsion there, as well. Lindsey was fighting to reassert the blank expression he had mastered, but for some reason, it looked like he couldn’t. Angel was at a loss as to whether that was a good thing or not, in this situation. I’m sorry. I take it back. Just please...please, don’t regret all that’s been between us. Not now.
Lindsey quietly said, "I talked about her in my sleep?"
"Yes," Angel softly said.
"What did I say?" Lindsey whispered.
"You kept saying you were sorry."
Lindsey flinched. He opened his eyes, looked at Angel, and he tried desperately to quell the emotions welling up in him, the memories punching their way into his conscious mind. But it all came fourth, he’d opened his heart to Angel, and there was no turning back. The past crowded into his mind, he saw it all with perfect recall, and it ate at him like acid, it burned into him like a brand, it was in surround sound and his own words came back to haunt him.
I don’t want her to die, any more than you do.
I’d save her, if I could. You can, and you won’t.
How did you think this would end?
The truth Lindsey had so long denied to himself washed over him, and his stomach revolted. He ran to the bathroom and was violently ill. He vaguely registered the sounds of Angel moving around in the bedroom. He flushed the toilet, and moved to the sink, rinsing his mouth out, brushing his teeth, and then he looked at himself in the mirror a long time.
A soft knock on the door, and Angel’s voice saying, "Are you okay in there?" brought him back to the present.
"Yeah," Lindsey replied. "Be out in a minute."Okay? Haven’t been okay in a long time. Don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. He looked at his reflection one more time, then put on the robe that was hanging on the door. He never felt like sex less in his whole life. Apparently neither did Angel, who had redressed in his pants, and put his shirt back on, although he hadn’t buttoned it. Lindsey knew he was probably confused about what he’d done.How can I explain the way I feel? God, how can Angel even look at me, after what I’ve done? Why didn’t he kill me....I don’t deserve to live.
"Feel better now?" Angel softly said.
"Not really, no." Lindsey grimaced. "I’m sorry about that, Angel. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but my being sick, it had nothing to do with what’s happened here. It’s not about that at all."
Nearly shaking in relief, Angel said, "What made you sick, then....if it wasn’t me?"
"I do, Angel. I make myself sick." Lindsey sighed and said, "You know, I finally understand why she broke the mirrors. I never did before now, you know. But.....I know why now. It’s an awful thing to look at your own reflection....to look at yourself, and know you’re looking at a murderer."
Angel said, "I understand.....but, Lindsey-"
"You asked me if I loved her," Lindsey interrupted. "Well, the answer is, yes, I did. I loved her. I loved everything about her and how can you even look at me, knowing what I did? You tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. You tried to tell me what she truly was, but I was so blind with desire for her, I didn’t care. Because I saw things in her that you never did, Angel. I saw what she could’ve been, I suppose. Maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to, though. Maybe....maybe I thought, if I could save her, I could save myself."
Angel could relate to that. He smiled. "I know what you mean, Lindsey."
Lindsey said, "You know, most of my life, I haven’t felt anything real. I’ve gone through life with this emptiness inside, and it was killing me. But there was something about her that gave me hope." He raised his face to look right into Angel’s eyes, so the vampire would know that Lindsey realized the enormity of what he’d done. "And I was so desperate not to lose that feeling, not to lose her, that I killed what I loved in order for her to continue to exist. I know Wolfram & Hart maneuvered me into doing it, and I know Holland Manners was the mastermind behind the whole thing. But that doesn’t matter. Neither does the fact that I didn’t do it with my own hands."
Angel softly said, "Because you had a moment of choice. But, Lindsey, they would’ve done it anyway. There truly was nothing you could have done to save Darla."
"Don’t you see? It’s not just Darla herself. I’m responsible for everyone she killed, because I set the evil free.....I let it loose. And I didn’t turn away from her, Angel. I helped her, while you were trying to stop her. I was so lost, even when she taunted me, made fun of my love for her, I still helped her. I hid her from the firm, from you.......God, I was such a love sick fool, and she used me. And used me. And used me. And I let her do it."
"Why did you do that? I always wondered," Angel asked.
"Because I thought.....I thought, if only she would love me, it wouldn’t matter...it wouldn’t matter that you didn’t. It wouldn’t matter to me if you hated me. I thought.....if I could only make her love me, I’d forget I’d ever even wanted you. But Darla......she only wanted you. She only thought about you. She even laughed at me, Angel. That knowledge twisted me up inside. It finally killed what little hope I had left. And, God help me, I think part of the reason I did it......was to spite you."
Feeling a little hurt, even though he’d suspected that all along, Angel said, "Why?"
"You said I wasn’t capable of love. And you said neither were you. That moment......I think I came close to hating you in that moment. I was so angry and hurt that some of what happened after you left my apartment, I still don’t remember. But I’ll always remember what happened at the motel. The look of fear on her face.....I put it there. I killed her, Angel......I killed Darla." It was at this point Lindsey broke completely. In tears, desperate to stop the pain, he couldn’t stop the words from rushing out. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry......I’m so sorry. My heart hurts, Angel. I can’t stand it. It hurts, I hurt, I feel like I’m dying inside, help me, please."
Angel enfolded Lindsey within his embrace and just held him while the young man cried his bitter tears. His heart hurt, because there wasn’t much else he could do to help him. He thought on all Lindsey had said, and he realized that he’d failed the young man in a way he hadn’t even thought of before. Lindsey had been around 24 years old when they’d met. He hadn’t been with Wolfram & Hart long, 6 months at most. He must’ve worked that brain of his like mad to get where he’d been. No mean feat, that....and all Angel had seen was that cold, hard blankness that he instantly came to loath.
But underneath that, Lindsey had just been a young man.....coming from this part of the country.....it was no wonder he’d freaked out when he’d realized the attraction between them was sexual in nature. Coming on top of all he’d learned upon employment at Wolfram & Hart, about demons, vampires, things of that persuasion....it was no wonder at all. Angel suddenly questioned what he’d have done, if he’d found out he was bisexual when he’d been mortal. Of course, back then, that wasn’t even a word.
And let’s face it, I wasn’t exactly what you’d call moral and upstanding, was I? I wasn’t much older than Lindsey was, the night Darla took me. Drunk and going to steal my father’s silver. If I’d met a man then that I was attracted to....I may have been quite upset at first. But then I’d have been as perverse about it as possible, just to do it.....to piss my father off.
Lindsey had the reality of not only adjusting to bisexuality, but adjusting to the fact that he was attracted to a vampire. And, from his own words, not only that, but was actually turned on by the demon itself. Aroused by rough hands on his body. Desire heightened by the thought of fangs in his neck during the sex act itself. None of which was the middle-American idea of normal. Even though the last half-century had seen a radical change in disposition towards alternate lifestyles, necrophilia was not an acceptable thing, even in enlightened places, such as LA. It must have been the shock of a lifetime when the truth had dawned on Lindsey.
He must have seen Darla as some sort of lifeline to the normality he’d unknowingly craved, because he was so busy denying to himself the truth of what he was.I’ve been wrong in blaming him for that. If only I’d tried a little harder to understand.... And as frail and vulnerable as Darla had appeared while human....it was inevitable Lindsey would fall for her. She must have appealed to every instinct instilled in Lindsey, Southern-born and bred. It couldn’t have happened any other way.
That bastard Holland Manners had pushed and maneuvered Lindsey every step of the way. Had he known that Lindsey was one of those humans that attract vampires like a magnet? Was that the reason he’d put the young lawyer, whose true talent to Wolfram & Hart should have been in the courtroom, in charge of a project to turn me to the darkness? Is that the reason Lindsey had been given the care of Darla, who had kept coming back to him, even though she hadn’t wanted him? They’d even had him dealing with Drusilla. In the long run, just how much of what had happened was truly Lindsey’s own initiative?
Angel shook off these thoughts when he became aware the young man in his arms was quiet now, and Lindsey was holding onto him as if to draw strength from his body. Angel said, "Feel better now?"
Lindsey softly said, "Not really. I feel sort of drained. Kind of empty."
Angel tilted Lindsey’s face so he could look down into it. "I can help you, Lindsey, but I can’t take away your guilt or your pain. You’ll have to work on that yourself. All I can do is be there for you, to hold you like I am now, to stand beside you and support you if I can. And I can’t condemn you for what happened, how could I? I’ve done worse than you ever will."
Lindsey looked into Angel’s eyes, and was never more grateful for anything in his life as he was to see the understanding residing in those brown eyes. The relief he felt nearly drove him to his knees. Angel felt the tension leave Lindsey’s body and tightened his hold on him, then he led him to sit on the side of the bed.
Angel knelt in front of the young man, and said, "I believe you were saying you wanted to make love to me. Something about me letting control go. Well, I’ve decided it’s not about control. It’s about discovery. About exploration. About awareness. I want to see your face while you do all those things. I want to you to know how I feel when I’m inside you. I want to feel your skin sliding slick against mine when you’re inside me, and I want you to know my body the way I’ve known yours. Do you still want that, Lindsey?"
